 I'll never forgive Mommy for humiliating me...with a diaper! Yes, I have a boo-boo on my bum. Yes, I won't stop licking the ointment off. But...a diaper!?! I'll never live it down.
Not that it's anything new. Mommy's been putting diapers on me since I was a baby. She thinks they're just too-too adorable. Grrrrrrrrr. I 'member this one time when Daddy had just shampooed the carpet. Mommy figured I couldn't possibly make a mess on the carpet if she put a diaper on me...just as a gentle reminder. Jokes on Mommy! I poo-pooed through the tail hole! WOOF! P.S. How do you walk in this dang thing!?!
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 Hey! How many bichons are writers? Let me tell you, it ain't easy with just four paws and a schnoz to type with. The Bichon Frise Reporter has turned down this adorable white fuzzy journalist's bid to contribute a quarterly column for her fellow 'chons. And why? I'm too homespun. Too rustic. Too country bumpkin for their high-falutin' show bichon clientele. That's why!
Well! This bichon takes violent objection. You may look like a walking, wagging snowdrift but you're a bichon too, mate. You may look like a walking cloud, but you want to dry off in a dirt pile after your bath too. Y'know you do! You want to roll in the snow and make bichon angels. You want to get leftover spaghetti sauce all over your fuzzy mug. And, most of all, you want to bring shitsicles into the house! We 'chons gotta band together and make our woofs heard! Or are we just gonna stand by and let the humans talk for us while we wag nicely. The woof, I say. We gotta bite 'em in the ass! Boycott their stuck-up magazine! Go on strike. Start a picket line. Let 'em know they can't keep us bichons quiet any longer. We've found our voice and we're gonna be heard! Are you with me!?! All together now... WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!  I play tag right! I run all the way around the room! But that lying, cheating Pomeranian, Sandy! She sneaks under the dresser, behind the stove...or just waits for me to run all the way around before pouncing on me.
Panting! Slipping! Eyes bugged out! Tongue hanging! I'm exhausted and she's cool-as-a-cucumber. Ya gotta' keep an eye on Poms all the time. They're tricksy dogs. Always up to no good. Look away for a moment and they'll steal the food right outta your mouth! And then they want to cuddle! I think CweeCwee's got the right idea. She simply pretends Sandy doesn't exist. No matter how Sandy climbs on her, sniffs at her, walks on her. "I see no Sandy, I hear no Sandy." WOOF!  We 'chons only got once vice. Okay, okay. I steal cheese, have a 137 decibel ear-shattering bark and tease my sister unmercifully. Other than that, I've got just one vice. CRAPSICLES.
You poor humans got no idea how enticing, how mesmerizing, how delicious crap smells after it freezes. The bouquet just blossoms in the cold. And while my stupid sister simply rolls in frozen crap ("Just a little behind the ears!"), I prefer to bring it into the house to fully explore the joys of shitsicles at my leisure. I dunno why that makes Mommy freak out! I can't tell you how many times she's shrieked, "Drop it, drop it, drop it!" Then there was the time she didn't notice it in my mouth 'til after I got back in the house. Did I mention Mommy is terribly near-sighted without her glasses? Anyways, when she shrieked "Drop it!", I dutifully dropped that delicious-smelling frozen shitsicle on the carpet. And she picked it up! You shoulda' been there! It took a second before she realized she was holding frozen shit in her bare hand and let out a blood-curdling scream. I was ROTFL when she flung open front door and threw that yummy-smelling shitsicle as far as she could. It was all I could do to keep a straight face while she scolded me. Wag, wag, wag. I got my clean-freak Momma to pick up shit!! WOOF!  What bichon doesn't adore cheese? To a bichon, cheese is the nectar and ambrosia of the gods. Bichon heaven is a golden fire hydrant on every corner and a block of colby in every food dish. On the day of the Great Cheese Caper, I was just a wittle puppy. Mommy was downstairs doing the laundry, but I'd scampered upstairs and was all alone. And there it was. Golden. Glowing. So yummy. I sniffed it a bit, licked it a bit, looked over my shoulder to check for Mommy. Then sunk my teeth into it. And it was so delicious. Bite after bite. Gnawing off great hunks, swallowing them as fast as I could. Feeling deliciously naughty. I'd scarfed 1/4th of the block by the time Mommy came upstairs and grabbed it away...covered with teeth marks...missing big chunks...covered in carpet fuzz. Of course, I got a good scolding although Mommy was laughing way too hard to make me feel too guilty. To this day, I adore cheese. If I may be allowed to paraphrase Sir Walter Scott: Breathes there a bichon, with soul so dead, Who never to himself hath stolen, A block of colby cheese so golden! WOOF!
 Sometimes, my food isn't exactly...fresh. It's kinda' been chewed and swallowed already. Well, not chewed. Just swallowed.
My sister's a pig. There! I said it. If it's edible, she scarfs it. Her share AND my share. I'm such a gentlebichon, I just sit back and watch her imitate a snake, jerking its food down its throat. So Mommy and Daddy stand up for me. They holler at CweeCwee. This one time, she'd just inhaled her morsel of bread and my morsel too. When Mommy yelled, "CWEECWEE!" she gave this funny cough and the bread flew out of her mouth, sailed through the air landing about 12" away. I ate it. Another time, we were eating leftover hamburgers. Of course, Cwee beat me to the punch. She ate so fast...she made herself sick and threw it up my chunk...unchewed. I figured it was mine in the first place, so I ate it! Um...why is Mommy gagging? Did I say something wrong? Mommy!? WOOF!  I always scoot when I talk. Always. I think it really adds something to the conversation.
With a hair-raising chorus of whines, groans and barks, I contribute my two-cents to every conversation...while scooting. Can't talk without scooting. Never scoot unless I'm talking. It's a bichon thing. I dunno why humans don't try it. Conversation looses something if you don't scoot at the same time. Put your bum on the carpet and try it. See!? Now didn't that just add sparkle to your speech?! Some will say I've got wormies, but I don't. Others may say I've got impacted anal glands. To that I say, you get your mind off my anal glands! Had 'em done. They're fine. I'd like to see you have your bum squeezed! And my ass is clean as a whistle. Mommy checked. (How embarrassing!) And that's why people like talking with me. I love to talk and I always scoot. They laugh so much, I may take my act on the road. Hmmmm, what should I call my act? The Scintillating Scooter. I like it. Scoot, scoot, scoot. I like it a lot. WOOF!  This day started badly. And it's all CweeCwee's fault. Maybe she woke up on the wrong side of the crate. I think she has PMS.
For starters, Mommy was valiantly trying to clip the leash to a wiggling Cwee's collar...and Cwee bit Mommy. Everyone knows we dogs have only one Commandment: Thou shalt not bite thy Mommy. So out we go for a walk and a piddle and a poo. And Cwee spots a squirrel, flies into a snarling rage and jumps over me. She got so excited the poo started comin' outta' her, and I'm like, "Girl! You got two inches of poo stickin' outta your butt. Squat already!" When we came back inside, things got even worse. Cwee spotted a woodpecker through the window, exploded in wrath, ran to the window and gave it what-for. Then she barked about this and she barked about that! So, naturally, I joined in. Mommy couldn't shut us up! Finally, Mommy got fed up and crated us both. Is that fair!? I merely followed my sister's bad example. Yeah, my sis has got PMS, I'm crated and this is a low-down, rotten, nasty, no-good-for-nuffin day. WOOF!  Say the word "Stupid" and my sister comes a-runnin'. Say "Stinky" and she does the doxiepoo dance. Call "CweeCwee" and she'll turn herself inside out with excitement. Gotta' love that girl!
The day I became a big sister was the best day of my life. Mommy adopted CweeCwee from the Animal Humane Society. Of course, she was cautioned to introduce us slowly, cautiously, over a few days. Well, Mommy didn't have time for that. So she put us both on the floor together and said, "Deal with it." I was over the moon with excitement. Cwee...not so much. She shoved her face in my food bowl, growling at me to stay away. Hmmm, same thing she does today. Nothing's changed. After stuffing herself to the gills with my "nasty dry crap," she hopped up in the chair and slept for the next three days. But I wanted to play! So I barked and pawed at her every few minutes, waking her up, for three days. I got her so riled she attacked me in the laundry room with a snarl of rage. Mommy broke it up. When Mommy went to work, she put CweeCwee in the pink crate and put me in my big fenced-in area in the Living Room. She was so scared Cwee'd kill me during the day. Then one day, Cwee ran into my area, sat down and refused to move. That was the wonderful day Mommy knew we'd become sisters. We've been inseparable ever since. On our double-leash, we look like a fuzzy yoke of oxen, Siamese twins joined on our sides. We sleep together. Play together. Piddle together. Poo together. Unfortunately, CweeCwee does have a couple, shall we say, idiosyncrasies. Her breath is, how do I say it gracefully, atrocious! An elephant would take one whiff and pass out. Brushing doesn't work. Nothing works. But she's loving. Very generous with kisses. Ugh. She's also not very bright. Okay, okay. She's downright stupid, hence her nickname. I once watched her lick the wrong side of a cream cheese wrapper, savoring nothing. Oh, but she just kept on a lickin'. But she's loving! And sometimes she shoves her whole head in my mouth. I'm not exactly sure why, but I guess it's a kiss. Very loving! Can't imagine life without my stupid, stinky sister!  "Aliens" make crop circles. Bichons make crap circles. Fifty-four is my all-time high total of circles made before I crapped. Yes, I was rather proud of that.
Daddy, however, wasn't amused! He kept muttering things like, "Enough! Go already." "Shit or get off the yard." "I'm freezing my ass off out here, ya darn bichon!" I knew he didn't mean it. The choice of spot to drop a load is a fine art to a bichon. We aren't about to grace just any ol' spot with our fancy frise fertilizer. No, sirree! It's got to smell just right and look just right. In Summer, we're particular about the blade of grass we choose to water. There are millions of blades out here, but only a select one is worthy of a frise piddle. The more time we spend circling, the more time we get outside. And our human learns patience, which as we all know, is a virtue. Now that's what I call a win-win proposition! WOOF! |
Delly
Hi! Delly here! I'm a bichon frise. My mommy says I'm crazy, eccentric and hilarious. These are my doodles. WOOF! Archives
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