On our fourth wedding anniversary, I remember back to the blissful day we said “I Do”…and how familial narcissism permeated our wedding and marriage from the very start.


Pre-Wedding Meddling

Sure, I understand that all parents care deeply about their child’s choice of spouse. That’s part of normalcy. But meddling…that’s another story.

It’s not okay for a father to angrily call at 7:30 p.m., demanding his almost 32-year-old daughter leave her first date with her future husband and “go home.” That’s not caring. It’s jealous and creepy.

It’s fine for a mother to pose questions for consideration about her daughter’s future spouse, but the answers are none of her business. That’s nosey. 

It’s not okay for a father to try to brainwash his daughter by confidently stating, “You’re just infatuated with him.”

And it’s not okay for a mother to tell her daughter what she can and cannot tell her husband. We’re supposed to be One. Leave and cleave, baby. That means no frickin’ secrets!

WOW!

Narcissistic Control at the Wedding

Our wedding was scheduled for 9 a.m.

The guests showed up at 8 a.m., looking very disapproving that the bride was not yet ready. She was eating a bagel.

Around 8:30 a.m., my soon-to-be father-in-law had enough with this waiting around. “Well, let’s get this over with,” he said. So romantic. (Yes, Sheldon. That is sarcasm.)

So we were married half an hour early, so he could rush back to his recliner and baseball.

WOW!

To read all about the narcy-cray-cray that permeated every facet of our wedding, please click here!

Last week, I turned thirty-six. I’ve finally decided that I’m so done with the pain, denial, false guilt and sundry miseries resulting from decades of narcissistic abuse. I want to be happy. I want to be free.

Easily said. Less easily done.

I’ve been so unhappy for so long that it’s become a way of life. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I’ve tried very hard to feel happy and not have “B.O. of the personality.” I’ve perfected the “happy” act. And there have been thousands of truly happy moments, good laughs and self-unaware times of bliss in my life.

I have everything to be grateful and happy about. A husband without peer, who I treasure more each day. (Happy 4th Anniversary, Honey!) Wonderful friends who’ve stuck with me through my highest and lowest moments. Two wonderful puppies who wag, lick and love unconditionally. A warm cottage. Reliable transportation. Work I enjoy. Food in the fridge and water from the tap. And at least sixty bottles of nail polish. What more does a girl need?

And yet…and yet…every day is a struggle to keep a smile on my face and a bounce in my step. It’s getting jolly old.

Click here to read the full article on PsychCentral!

When you’ve been surrounded by narcissists all your life, naturally you assume everyone thinks like them. Judges you like them. Hey! It’s self-protection. But they don’t, you know.

Holocaust survivor, neurologist and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl is renowned for saying, “An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behavior.”

Being constantly watched is abnormal. Being chronically judged for anything and everything is abnormal. Hell, narcissism is abnormal, hence the name of this blog: Narcissism Meets Normalcy.

Click here to read the full article on PsychCentral!

"Perfectionism is probably the most common and also one of the most damaging characteristics of dysfunctional families," wrote John and Linda Friel in their excellent book An Adult Child's Guide to What's Normal. When I read that, I felt like I'd discovered fire. Perfectionism ran rampant in my narcissistic family and I've been its willing slave since childhood.

But why? That's what I want to know.

Click here to read how perfectionism forms an ego feeding frenzy for narcissists AND how it leads to workaholism

Who owns you? Yeah, you heard me right. Owns you. If you’re in a relationship with a narcissistic, they do. Lock, stock and barrel. Owned.

I know. I was there.


Just Waltz Right In

That’s what narcissists do, you know. They waltz right in to every facet of our being. And I mean every. The word “boundaries” is anathema to them. Say “boundary” to a narc and they snarl like Smeagol in Lord of the Rings,  “We hates ’em, Precious! Smeagol hates nasty boundaries!”

Oh, they hates ’em alright. I’ll never forget the time I asked for some privacy during those few moments each day when I was shivering out of my bathrobe and into my lingerie. Yeah, that lasted for about two days. Then it was back to “same ol’, same ol’.” She just had to empty my bedroom wastebasket every day at that exact time. There was no other time in twenty-four hours when it could possibly be done.

Uh-huh.

Or there was the time I got kinda’ tired of being interrogated with, “Whatcha’ eating?” every single frickin’ night. Wow! Judging by the hell I caught attempting to set that boundary (“Why!?! What are you trying to hide?), you’d have thought I was trying to sneak lobster and King Crab past ’em.

And that boundary I tried to set to stop that gross earlobe nibbling because damn it! I was in my twenties…yeah, that one kept getting violated too.

Click here to read the full article on PsychCentral!

Anyone struggling to recover from emotional abuse has probably been told, “Oh, just forgive, forget and get over it!” What a slap to the face! As I chronicle my own journey of healing from narcissistic abuse on Narcissism Meets Normalcy and the Huffington Post, pissed-off readers post comments like this frequently! I bet you’ve heard it a lot too. So let’s chat about it, shall we?


Get Over It!Let’s say a drunk driver hits you head-on and you’re in hospital recovering from multiple injuries. A family member waltzes into your hospital room, hands on hips, sportin’ a ‘tude, a perturbed impatient expression on their face. “Snap out of it!” they say. “Chop, chop. Out of that hospital bed! Forgive, forget and get over it!”

How cruel, you say! That’s inhumane!

Yeah, it is. So why is it okay to say it to victims of emotional abuse?

Click to read the full article!