 Please Note: This situation ended with my "escape" in 2011. I appreciate all of your concerns and kind notes, but I'm out! I'm free! I'm happy and married. Please see About for more details about my NEW life. Thanks! Welcome to a day in my world. It's 2008. I'm twenty-eight years old and a respected, successful IT Business Analyst. Nevertheless, I still live with my parents...and it's eating me alive. I want so much to have my own home. A beautiful haven where I can be warm, take hot showers every day, go to bed whenever I want, cook delicious meals and enjoy my life. Best of all, with a home of my own I'd finally feel completely grown up. But we've talked about it and it's absolutely forbidden. “We haven't worked so hard on you just to throw you to the wolves,” they say. I know they think I'll turn into a whore without them, and can't make wise decisions on my own. And it's destroying my self-esteem. Of course, none of my relatives nor co-workers know I'm forbidden to move out. They just think I'm weird. Oh, how I'd like to have a boyfriend. But ever since I introduced a boy to Dad in '95, I've been terrified of being slut-shamed again. My last date was a year ago. He was a really nice guy. Even kissed me goodbye on the cheek. But, just as I suspected, Mom and Dad instantly demanded that I dump him. No reason given, but I'm sure it was the kiss. They broke my heart, but I obeyed them.
I always obey. I'm scared not to. When Dad gets angry, he runs through the house like a rabid animal, screaming at the top of his lungs, beating the air with his fists. One time he passed out. I'll never forget refusing to cheat on my schoolwork in eighth grade. Dad punched me in the face. Of course, he instantly gaslighted me and said it wasn't a punch. I'm almost thirty, but I'm still scared to disobey him. And if I challenge Mom, well, those angry pouting fits she has are extremely unpleasant. It feels like Mom and Dad are holding my self-esteem carelessly in their hands. And if I don't do exactly what they want, they'll crush it...again. I've gotten so used to it, now I criticize myself constantly so no criticism they fling at me will come as a surprise. Well, I s'pose I'd better get up and pretend to be happy. If I'm not cheerful, Mom yells at me. “Good Morning, Mother. How are you? I'm okay. Well, I just couldn't sleep.” Just as I suspected, my morning interrogation has begun. And it seems my insomnia and nocturnal bathroom visits are disturbing Dad's sleep. I can't believe Mom is telling me that I'll be using a bucket in my room from now on. It feels so demeaning, but I know better than to argue. I suppose Mother will come into the bathroom during my sponge bath, as she usually does. She wants to know why I need a “bath” every day and if I'm using more hot water than is strictly necessary. Next, I'll be lectured on using too much hot water, soap, shampoo, toothpaste, toilet paper and towels. And this, despite paying monthly rent and doing all of their errands for free. We've all heard of the mother who lays out her adult daughter's outfit each morning. Well, mine actually does it...and watches me dress. My wardrobe only contains baggy clothes she considers “modest.” I'm not allowed to look “too good,” or she'll accuse me, again, of trying to seduce Dad. Ah, finally ready for work. But first, she'll give me the “once over.” As always, she's rubbing off some of my eye makeup. Next I'll have to blot my lipstick while she accuses me of wanting to look like a hooker. And if I don't wear full cover makeup to cover my "acne", Dad will grimace in my face and forbid me from eating supper with the family. Whew! I made it through inspection and am finally free to depart for work with the usual vapid injunctions of “Drive safely” and “Be careful.” As if it wouldn't occur to me otherwise. I like being alone in the car. It's the only place I'm free to think my own thoughts, scream at the top of my lungs or even listen to the forbidden country music station. But I must remember to call home to assure them of my safe arrival at work. Call upon arriving and leaving every destination. It's a cardinal rule. And if I'm late calling, oh, the drama! I often lay awake at night, fantasizing about running away from home. Just getting in my car and driving. But it's just a pipe-dream. I don't want to break Mother's heart. Dad will call the police. And they have my power-of-attorney. Even while sleeping, I have nightmares about them. Always the same nightmare. I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, but they don't hear me. The nightmare mirrors real life. When I do verbalize sadness, I'm shamed and lectured. It's easier to be agreeable, smiley and catatonic. They don't see all the times I sit, head in hands, repeating “Don't exist,” over and over. Well, it's 6:00 pm now and time to leave work. While my coworkers depart for romantic dates, dining out or a cozy evening with their families in their comfortable homes, I have none of these joys awaiting me. I must run my parents' errands three nights each week. Tonight is grocery night. And because I'm not allowed to drive after dark, I'll first be driving home to turn my car keys over to Dad. Then he'll drive me to the grocery store in my car. Supper can wait; their errands are more important than my hunger pangs. I'm looking forward to the weekend. But why!?! I don't have any friends. Certainly no hot dates to look forward to. And I'm not allowed to drive after dark, downtown, highways nor more than forty miles from home. That really cuts down on entertainment options. Well, I may browse an online dating site, but that gets complicated too. YouTube skits about smothering parents often contain the stereotypical scene where they write their adult child's online singles profile. My dad actually does it. And Mom reads all of my emails. I'll probably just read a book this weekend. And doubtless Dad will demand that I spend several hours alone with him while we play instruments, he talks to me and paws at me. Mother will doubtless eavesdrop on us as she always does, and then interrogate me later. “Did you talk about me?” she always asks. Just another day in the life of a "deadbeat" daughter.
10 Comments
Angela Clarke
1/3/2016 02:20:39 pm
Wow, what a powerful description of the misery and torment of a daughter who was raised by parents who seemed to be over demanding and abusive control freaks. It was so well written that it brought tears to my eyes.
Cindy
1/4/2016 12:30:42 am
I agree ... Stay strong ..nothing about you!
Lady Elaine
1/3/2016 08:18:25 pm
This made my heart ache. Makes me want to jump in my car, and rescue you! help you relocate to an apartment and a new life. Get you some counseling, encourage you to go no contact with your parents for a short period of time until you get enough time to heal and be able to set boundaries with them and become independent without fear of guilt or their rage. My heart goes out to you. I believe you CAN have a beautiful life ! Never give up on your freedom! eceb if you have to secretly get an apartment and secretly bring clothing one item at a time , do it !!!! You deserve happiness !!! God bless you 1/4/2016 02:10:31 am
Hello the Lady Elaine, Thank you for your heartfelt comment. I appreciate it so much. I was finally "given" my freedom at the age of 31, only to have him try to renege. But it was too late. I closed on a house within two weeks and in 2012 "snuck" in my wonderful husband. By the time they found out about him, we were engaged and I didn't allow any of their advice, questions, warnings or insults ("You're just infatuated.") to dissuade me from marrying him...fast! Michael made a comment one night that helped me see that all was not well with me, which sparked me to pursue answers. That's when I discovered narcissism, went No Contact and well, the rest is history! See the "About" page on my website.
Angela Clarke
1/4/2016 04:29:41 pm
Lenora I think maybe your parents could be projecting their own problems on to you and wish to retain their control by making it as hard as possible for you to make friends and meet a new boyfriend. If you were to leave home it may seem to them that they have lost their "punchbag" and someone who they can vent their verbal abuse on. I suggest you seek professional advice as nobody has the right to ruin anyone else's life. They do not own you although you are their daughter. You deserve happiness. I also suggest you start using a new e-mail address with a different passcode and use it from a different computer somewhere else so there is almost zero chance that your mother could read them. Please be very careful with dating sites as well and do not tell them your home address or any other personal information until you are sure you can trust whoever it is you may meet. I really hope and pray that someone can help end the terror and sadness of your present life. Think that the longer you let this continue, the more victories your parents have over you. 1/4/2016 05:14:01 pm
Hi Angela, Thank you for your kind, caring response. This story is autobiographical, but the horror ended in 2011 when I escaped, due to a little slip Dad made. He said I could leave, then tried to renege. Too late! So, yes, I have my freedom, my happiness and I'm married to a wonderful man! Thank you!
Lorie LaBrant
1/11/2016 09:58:15 am
You were of age. How could they keep you from leaving?? 1/11/2016 10:37:07 am
Well, Lorie, I guess Fraulein Maria answered that question in "The Sound of Music" when she said, "Well, they wouldn't dare! They LOVE you too much. They FEAR you too much."
Shivani
11/17/2020 07:49:19 pm
You’re my future lol. I’m 24. I was held hostage for last 10 years for dating a guy at 14. My dad is narcissistic and my mom is con-dependent who enables my dad. In those 10 years, my dad wouldn’t buy me junk food because he was a control freak. He would brag about his daughter consuming healthy foods only and I would have to smile and act like I didn’t like junk food at all. I’ve been under weight due to this almost all my life. Another thing he would do is not let me hang out with my friends because they weren’t the same race as mine(Indian). If he figured I’ve a white friend, I would have to refuse to go out with her until she got tired of asking me to hang out with her. Similarly, my elder sister who is 10 years older than me and his husband(a narcissist) tried to control my life too. They tried to break every single friendship I’ve ever had by emailing them to stop ruining my life by being friends with me. My dad would also watch porn in the living room because he is addicted to porn. He would do it everyday after work till i felt disgusted down to my ovaries(not just stomach). I skipped my dinner every night for 2 and half years because I didn’t want to walk out on him masturbating. It was like I was experiencing living hell to see my own dad degrade women to such extent that he doesn’t even care if his daughter is right there and looking at him do some of the worst possible things. In daytime, If I ever dared go out without my dad’s permission while he was at work, I would come home to him arguing with my mom about me or indirectly throwing tantrums until I was emotionally blackmailed to stay home for straight 10 years. In those 10 years, the guys I dated online were in different countries, narcissistic and discarded me till I broke apart even more. The only time I ever went out after those 10 years of torture of staying in my room and trying not to kill myself or cry my eyeballs out is when I got another boyfriend who is currently in the same city as me. Unfortunately, he’s narcissistic too. So everyday I kept getting triangulated and abused emotionally and mentally. He’s visiting his home country right now so I’m free of abuse for next 3 months. But the affects of my abusive parents’/family’s and the guys I dated are weighing me down.
Lenora Thompson, Writer
11/17/2020 08:40:25 pm
Dear Shivani, Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
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