 Artwork By Lenora “My dearest anger!" That's how Barbara Rogers begins her wonderful article about anger. She shows us how to embrace our anger as a wonderful gift, a rare and honest insight into the abuses, narcissistic or otherwise, suffered at the hands of our parents. Reprinted by permission, please enjoy "A Love Letter to My Anger" by Barbara Rogers. “A Love Letter to My Anger” by Barbara Rogers (Pt 1) “A Love Letter to My Anger” by Barbara Rogers (Pt 2) “A Love Letter to My Anger” by Barbara Rogers (Pt 3) “A Love Letter to My Anger” by Barbara Rogers (Pt 4) “A Love Letter to My Anger” by Barbara Rogers (Pt 5 of 5)  So...how would YOU live if you already felt worthy? Yeah, I'm still trying to figure it out too. I made this plaque as a reminder to myself.
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 On our fourth wedding anniversary, I remember back to the blissful day we said “I Do”…and how familial narcissism permeated our wedding and marriage from the very start.
Pre-Wedding Meddling Sure, I understand that all parents care deeply about their child’s choice of spouse. That’s part of normalcy. But meddling…that’s another story. It’s not okay for a father to angrily call at 7:30 p.m., demanding his almost 32-year-old daughter leave her first date with her future husband and “go home.” That’s not caring. It’s jealous and creepy. It’s fine for a mother to pose questions for consideration about her daughter’s future spouse, but the answers are none of her business. That’s nosey. It’s not okay for a father to try to brainwash his daughter by confidently stating, “You’re just infatuated with him.” And it’s not okay for a mother to tell her daughter what she can and cannot tell her husband. We’re supposed to be One. Leave and cleave, baby. That means no frickin’ secrets! WOW! Narcissistic Control at the Wedding Our wedding was scheduled for 9 a.m. The guests showed up at 8 a.m., looking very disapproving that the bride was not yet ready. She was eating a bagel. Around 8:30 a.m., my soon-to-be father-in-law had enough with this waiting around. “Well, let’s get this over with,” he said. So romantic. (Yes, Sheldon. That is sarcasm.) So we were married half an hour early, so he could rush back to his recliner and baseball. WOW! To read all about the narcy-cray-cray that permeated every facet of our wedding, please click here!  Last week, I turned thirty-six. I’ve finally decided that I’m so done with the pain, denial, false guilt and sundry miseries resulting from decades of narcissistic abuse. I want to be happy. I want to be free.
Easily said. Less easily done. I’ve been so unhappy for so long that it’s become a way of life. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I’ve tried very hard to feel happy and not have “B.O. of the personality.” I’ve perfected the “happy” act. And there have been thousands of truly happy moments, good laughs and self-unaware times of bliss in my life. I have everything to be grateful and happy about. A husband without peer, who I treasure more each day. (Happy 4th Anniversary, Honey!) Wonderful friends who’ve stuck with me through my highest and lowest moments. Two wonderful puppies who wag, lick and love unconditionally. A warm cottage. Reliable transportation. Work I enjoy. Food in the fridge and water from the tap. And at least sixty bottles of nail polish. What more does a girl need? And yet…and yet…every day is a struggle to keep a smile on my face and a bounce in my step. It’s getting jolly old. Click here to read the full article on PsychCentral!  When you’ve been surrounded by narcissists all your life, naturally you assume everyone thinks like them. Judges you like them. Hey! It’s self-protection. But they don’t, you know.
Holocaust survivor, neurologist and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl is renowned for saying, “An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is normal behavior.” Being constantly watched is abnormal. Being chronically judged for anything and everything is abnormal. Hell, narcissism is abnormal, hence the name of this blog: Narcissism Meets Normalcy. Click here to read the full article on PsychCentral!  What if PMS isn't just senseless misery and angst? What if it's trying to tell us something.
That's what I've noticed! The more I understand and heal from narcissistic abuse, the milder my PMS! Could it be that my PMS was trying to tell me something after all? Click here to read all about it on the Huffington Post!  "Perfectionism is probably the most common and also one of the most damaging characteristics of dysfunctional families," wrote John and Linda Friel in their excellent book An Adult Child's Guide to What's Normal. When I read that, I felt like I'd discovered fire. Perfectionism ran rampant in my narcissistic family and I've been its willing slave since childhood.
But why? That's what I want to know. Click here to read how perfectionism forms an ego feeding frenzy for narcissists AND how it leads to workaholism  Who owns you? Yeah, you heard me right. Owns you. If you’re in a relationship with a narcissistic, they do. Lock, stock and barrel. Owned.
I know. I was there. Just Waltz Right In That’s what narcissists do, you know. They waltz right in to every facet of our being. And I mean every. The word “boundaries” is anathema to them. Say “boundary” to a narc and they snarl like Smeagol in Lord of the Rings, “We hates ’em, Precious! Smeagol hates nasty boundaries!” Oh, they hates ’em alright. I’ll never forget the time I asked for some privacy during those few moments each day when I was shivering out of my bathrobe and into my lingerie. Yeah, that lasted for about two days. Then it was back to “same ol’, same ol’.” She just had to empty my bedroom wastebasket every day at that exact time. There was no other time in twenty-four hours when it could possibly be done. Uh-huh. Or there was the time I got kinda’ tired of being interrogated with, “Whatcha’ eating?” every single frickin’ night. Wow! Judging by the hell I caught attempting to set that boundary (“Why!?! What are you trying to hide?), you’d have thought I was trying to sneak lobster and King Crab past ’em. And that boundary I tried to set to stop that gross earlobe nibbling because damn it! I was in my twenties…yeah, that one kept getting violated too. Click here to read the full article on PsychCentral!  Anyone struggling to recover from emotional abuse has probably been told, “Oh, just forgive, forget and get over it!” What a slap to the face! As I chronicle my own journey of healing from narcissistic abuse on Narcissism Meets Normalcy and the Huffington Post, pissed-off readers post comments like this frequently! I bet you’ve heard it a lot too. So let’s chat about it, shall we?
Get Over It!Let’s say a drunk driver hits you head-on and you’re in hospital recovering from multiple injuries. A family member waltzes into your hospital room, hands on hips, sportin’ a ‘tude, a perturbed impatient expression on their face. “Snap out of it!” they say. “Chop, chop. Out of that hospital bed! Forgive, forget and get over it!” How cruel, you say! That’s inhumane! Yeah, it is. So why is it okay to say it to victims of emotional abuse? Click to read the full article!  He (or she) is the neighbor you secretly call
“The A**hole.” He’s always shoveling your snow or mowing your grass because you simply don’t do it right! He’s your friendly Neighborhood Narcissist or “NN” as I like to call him (or her). Join me over at PsychCentral in a chuckle at his expense.  If you were not the Golden Child in your narcissistic family, consider yourself lucky. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
I can hear Scapegoats worldwide mumbling under their breath. And I do admit that being the Golden Child has some perks! As an only child and eldest grandchild (I'm sorry, cousins! Now I "get it!"), no one knows that better than me! I was the Golden Child by default. There were treats and presents, hugs and cuddles, fawning and praise. But it came at a price. Sooner or later, you have to pay for the presents. The cuddles come with conditions. And there are strings attached to the treats. I was thirty-one before I realized that I had to pay the piper for my Golden Child status. His price is absolute control over every facet of your being — mind, body and soul. Click here to read the full article on PsychCentral! |
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Lenora Thompson
From relationships to toxic families, from current events to critical reviews, Lenora has a unique "take" on whatever's happening and shares it in her syndicated blog. Gritty. Real. Funny. Click here for bio. If you are feeling suicidal, thinking about hurting yourself, or are concerned that someone you know may be in danger of hurting himself or herself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). It is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and is staffed by certified crisis response professionals.
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